My Birthday Today

Yes, it's my birthday today (as if my uncreative title wasn't obvious enough).

And yes, I decided my first post in several months was going to be this one. No 'what's up peeps'. No 'I'm back'. No explanation of what I've been up to, how my time in self-imposed exile was spent (Was it even exile? Was it self-imposed?). Just brass tacks here, people. Freaking brass tacks.

Where was I? Right, so today's another birthday. I have talked about my ambivalence towards my birthdays in another post (see here).

But, this year, my feeling towards my birthday is certain: I wish it would just be another normal day. Well, because in a sense it is. Unlike other years, today is a work day for me (believe me, I tried to get the day off) and being at work is the last way I have ever thought to spend my birthday 'day' at least.

This year, I'm at a point where even though I understand that I have been blessed beyond reason and ought to celebrate, that 'celebration' is just going to be immense gratitude and responses to 'happy birthday' with a smile that I hope will lose its dryness as the day goes on.

So, even though I wish it would just be another normal day because of emotional residues from my world-famous ambivalence and the circumstances of this particular year, don't feel bad about sending that birthday cash or even Ferrari my way!

Six Sure-Fire Ways to Be Happy

Everyone wants to be happy! Everyone! However, it gets increasingly difficult to be happy, there is bad news assaulting you left, right, and centre; and situations and people around you bring unnecessary drama that make you wish you were still asleep and oblivious.

As I've grown older (I'm no spring chicken - I like to imagine that my grey hair game is coming on strong, I can't walk or run as fast as I used to, I have need of a walking stick now and then... I have to say though, in the spirit of full disclosure, that the walking stick is largely used as a prop to entertain the young urns), I've become more aware of the need to maintain my happiness, to not let external situations unnecessarily influence my joy, or, at the very least, my happiness. The steps I have taken to maintain my happiness have worked so many times that I think you'll benefit from it.

Here goes:

1. Remember Your Favourite Things: Maria was definitely on to something when she sang about remembering her favourite things. Whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and schnitzel (I don't even know what this is*) with noodles are things that I am sceptical will soothe the pain of dog bites and bee stings, and chase the blues away (sorry Maria); but give me great sermons, music and TV Shows and my grin threatens to disfigure my face.

2. Cut Off Negative People: That 'friend' whose calls get you down in the dumps everytime because he or she is putting you down; that one who wants to bring unnecessary drama into your life, just because they think they are irreplaceable. I don't care who they are, cut them off. It might seem harsh, but it is necessary, believe me. You don't have to be friends with everybody. If they are necessary evils that you absolutely have to be around, limit your contact with them. There is such a thing as burning bridges that have become a roadblock for you. If they are bringing unwanted tension and drama, do the right thing - say goodbye for your happiness.

3. Don't Worry about Others' Opinions: Admittedly, this is difficult. We seem to be programmed to care about what people think about us - how we look, our careers, the decisions we make. But, you will need to practise not caring, because no matter what you do, everyone will have an opinion - good or bad. In other words, you cannot silence opinions by trying to conform to them. One of those guilty-pleasure expressions that I like is the one that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one (Dad, that word means holes that donkeys possess... or something like that). I am at a point in my life where only very few people's opinions matter to me, and you should too if you want to be happy.

4. Get out!: Literally! Don't sit at home moping around. Get some  fresh air, stroll around your neighbourhood, get a hobby, visit friends, or just jump into the back of a random truck like this guy (just make sure you've packed your bag - and some money - if said truck is headed out of town).

5. Never Compare Yourself to Others: Have (selective) tunnel vision when it comes to achieving your dreams and living your life. The greatest mistake and the easiest route to head-splitting headaches is comparing your life to others. It's like Barney, from Barney and Friends, says, 'you're important... you're the only one like you... oh, you are special...!"

6. Speak to Someone: That's right! Let it out. When you're going through something, don't bottle it up inside until you break down or transfer your aggression to the greying, walking-stick-using slow-walker and runner (coincidentally called Elizabeth) who's just trying to find a random truck bed to land on.  When you're down in the dumps, call a friend, call family, talk a passer-by's ears off (try not to get arrested on this one),  speak to God in prayers.

*Shnitzel, Google tells me, is a thin slice of veal or any other light meat that is fried after being coated in breadcrumbs (I doubt that I would eat this with noodles; so, still not going to make the list of my favourite things).

Catfished

So, I have been so fascinated by Catfish:The TV Show of late; so much so that I have watched all  seasons of the show about twice now. This short story is born out of that fascination. Enjoy:

I had always imagined our first meeting would be like an episode on Catfish: The TV Show, only Max and Nev weren't there with their camera crew ready to detail every moment of this meeting of virtual strangers who had supposedly fallen in love over the internet.

And so it was that he and I stood awkwardly assessing each other. I wish Nev were here, he might start with the introductions, maybe tease out our feelings at that moment. Wait... it depended on who the camera crew originally came with though, didn't it? Was I the catfisher or the catfishee? It was true I had gone overboard with preening myself before every video call... maybe even.... I sighed and tried to focus. None of us had said a word. His face was expressionless. 'What are you thinking?' I screamed internally. Still, neither of us spoke. We just stood there... just stood there.

Then he spoke and extended his hand as well, "Nice to meet you". His voice sounded cold, distant. At that moment, I felt what he felt. Disappointment. Even anger.

I took his hand. They were as cold as his voice. I wish my hands weren't so limp. I sniffed back the tears and managed a a shaky smile. I didn't trust myself to speak.

"So, I guess we go inside now..." he sounded unsure, like he wanted to just go back home straight away and weep his eyes out.

I wondered what it was that he didn't like about me. Was I too short, too ugly, too imperfect? Too insecure? Meanwhile, there he was, this tall, handsome hunk who could sent hearts flying to the skies, just by borrowing wings from
the fluttering of his eyelashes.

"I guess..." I said after what seemed like an eternity.

It was over. All our plans for the summer, for the rest of our lives together.

The Orphan (Short Story)

So, I wrote this story a while ago, but I thought it would be a good read for some people out there (hopefully :)). Believe it or not, it's based on a true event that I witnessed first-hand. Here goes:

“Are you really an orphan?” Mr. Gaskiya asked again with a raised brow. The tone of voice he chose to use was one that got many youngsters confessing even sins they had not committed. He knew what effect his voice had, and he was sure it would work in this situation.

“Yes, I am,” the Orphan declared adamantly, sweating profusely now.

Mr. Gaskiya regarded the Orphan in surprise, looked at the paper in front of him, and shook his head sadly; but he asked the Orphan no further question. He only wrote down some things in his notepad and asked the boy to go without raising his head.

“But… but, but what… the scholarship? What about the… the scholarship?”  The Orphan asked with big, frightened eyes. Snakes of sweat rolled past his cheeks simultaneously, even though the room was air-conditioned cold.

“We’ll see…” Mr. Gaskiya muttered, and seeing that the Orphan wanted something specific to tell those who sent him, he added in his most official voice, “If you are shortlisted, you will be contacted shortly, we have all your details. Have a good day, son.”

The Orphan seemed to be satisfied with this answer, at least it was an answer, though he knew the scholarship ought to be awarded or not on the spot; he managed a shaky twist of his lips, brushed his hand across his well-moistened face and scuttled out.

When the Orphan got home three hours after leaving the scholarship venue, he met another set of interrogators outside his house.

“What took you so long?” The female one asked sharply, as soon as he turned the corner. She was naturally a nervous and overbearing woman. She had been shifting uneasily about in the room since the Orphan left for his interview. She had eventually dragged her male counterpart out to sit in the veranda, awaiting news.

The Orphan did not want to answer the question. He could not tell them he had been roaming the streets, wondering if they would be satisfied with his answer. Somehow he knew they would not be satisfied with his answer. They had heard when the radio man had announced that those who qualified for the scholarships would be told on the spot. They had heard it more than twice in that month; and both times, both of them had smiled at each other then, and looked at him with unconcealed hope in their eyes. He was somewhat relieved that it was over. They had been goading him about the interview since it had first been announced on the radio.

He was saved from answering this question by the male counterpart’s “So what’s the news?” The way he said it with a toothpick sticking out his mouth, even though the boy knew it was only garri and groundnuts he had eaten, revealed that he was only waiting for good news.

“He said he would contact me,” the Orphan blurted.

“What!” the woman exclaimed and jumped from her seat; the Orphan sprang backwards and covered his face.

“It’s not my fault. It was Mr. Gaskiya…”

“Stupid boy, didn’t I tell you to avoid those you knew? There were a hundred other interviewers.” She began to pace, immediately muttering to herself loud enough to make the Orphan hear something about stupid boys.

“There were only five interviewers, and they just directed us to enter the rooms. We did not see the people inside,” the Orphan replied, now fifteen steps away from the female’s hand.

“That means no school for you then...” the man who had all the while kept calm said, stretched noisily, spat the toothpick out of his mouth and stood up to go back inside.

Mr. Gaskiya emerged from the corner.

“Just wait there a second, Mr. Sunkan,” he screamed, a mixture of indignation and surprise showing on his face. He seemed to have been running. He was panting.

The woman faced him defiantly. The man turned back with an expressionless face. The Orphan looked like he was about to run.

“What do you mean by what you did this morning? How dare you send your own son to interview for a scholarship meant for orphans?”

Finally on Twitter

My display picture on twitter... don't ask

So, this is not a conventional post.

Just wanted to say I am now on twitter, for better or worse. So, follow me.

My twitter handle is @ElizabethAdeolu (https://twitter.com/ElizabethAdeolu).

Looking forward to twittering or twattering, or whatever kids these days call it :)

Ten Questions People Ask Me about My Singleness and My Mostly Sarcastic Answers

Many people  think single life should be one miserable run to finding the infamous 'One' or just Mr. or Miss Available. Well, it's not... at least for me. I mean, I'm not saying single life is always a delight, there are definitely days of hugging pillows and singing 'all by myself' in front of a muted laptop, I'm just saying there are a lot of joys, especially for people who don't make getting married their sole life goal. 

One of the lows of single life for me are the ridiculous questions people ask, believe it or not. Those questions just want to make you lower your big red-rimmed glasses and say 'are you for real?' and give a quick-witted sarcastic answer, but you resist the temptation and just say 'yes' or one of those God's-time-is-the-best type answers.

I love that people care about my marital status, but I prefer actions to words when it comes to showing care. You're worried about my single life? Add me to your prayer list and don't talk about it again or simply deposit 1,000,000 pounds or naira into my account and I'll find a date (if you don't have that amount, we can strike a bargain, anything from 1000 pounds or naira will do).

But, yeah, here are the questions I get and how I mostly sarcastically answer them in my mind.

1. Question: Why are you still single?

My Answer: Let's see... because I'm not married yet.

2. Question: Are you putting yourself out there?

My Answer: Yes, as a matter of fact. Every single day I dress in bright rainbow colours and parade the streets with a placard saying 'available'.

3. Question: Have you prayed about getting married?

My Answer: What a genius idea! As a Christian, I've never thought of that. Thanks.

4. Question: Are you giving off the right signals?

My Answer: Of course, there's a blazing neon sign in front of my house that has my name and the words AVAILABLE FOR COURTSHIP on it. By the way, my neighbours and I are also talking about approaching the government to have my street named after me with the word 'Available' placed somewhere between my name and 'street'.

5. Question:  (At a wedding) So, are you going to be next?

My Answer: Let me get your name real quick... I'll just add you to the top of the list of people I'll inform as soon as the date is decided.

6. Question: Is he the one? (of any male human in a picture with me)

My Answer: Yep, him and the other million and one men I've ever taken a picture with.

7. Question: Aren't you worried about not having children?

My Answer: Well, I wasn't, until now.

8. Question: You must be worried sick about being single?

My Answer: Ah yes, because that's the only issue in my life right now... I'm not seeking financial bliss, I'm not trying to get an education, I'm not trying to focus on my spiritual life, I'm not trying to stay healthy, I'm not trying to save the children from whatever they need saving from.

9. Question: All your friends are getting married, you must be miserable?

My Answer: Oh, as miserable as miserable can be. Yeah, that's why I've not left my room these five years.

10. Question: You know you're not getting any younger?

My Answer: Really? Is that so? I'd always thought I was Benjamin Button. Dang!

When they're not stating the obvious, it's difficult for some people to believe that I'm relatively happy and that I will inform them as soon as the date is set, believe me I will. And when I post a picture with 'the One', I'll make sure to state that he's indeed the one we've been waiting for. Until then, save the questions and invest in my life. My account details? ;)

Eight Kinds of Friends You Should Have

I DO NOT really have seven hundred and something 'friends' (don't believe Facebook), but the few I have more than make up for the hypothetical friendship vacuum in my life (not to brag or anything).  

That might just be because I have all the  kinds of friends everyone should have. Here is a definitive (yeah, take my word for it) list of the kinds of friends you should have, people:

1. The one with whom you can be immature silly, no matter how old you get.

2. The one who never stops loving and contacting you even when you unfairly cut them off.

3. The one who brings you back down to earth.

4. The one who knows how to drag the smile out of you when you're just not in the mood.

5. The one who  stays sturdy  for you when things fall apart in your life (one too many times).

6. The one who always bails you out, sometimes also known as 'dad!' *wink*

7. The one who understands your idiosyncrasies and is totally fine with them.

8. The one who knows you so well they know when you're bullshitting not being honest.

Even as I write this I realise that some of my friends are all of these kinds in one, I only hope I'm at least one of these kinds of friends for them.

So,  thanks for putting up with me guys and dad... oh, and mum too :)

Seven Things Every Phone Owner Should Know

So, you notice ten missed calls on your phone even though it's right beside you. "Oh my God! It didn't ring", you think, and you can't even ring the number back because it is not registered. What else does one expect from the Secret... never mind. You proceed to check the volume settings which show your phone should have rung loud and clear and even vibrated, you checked it this morning anyway because you were expecting THAT call... only it hadn't rung and you are beginning to panic. Your head is throbbing, you're beginning to sweat. Your palms are sweaty. Next stop - phone shop, in your SpongeBob pyjamas... Sounds familiar?

Not to brag or anything, but I have some phone expertise. Stuff I picked up from my stint at a renowned phone shop. In my time there, I have discovered some DIY stuff that anyone can do and know to avoid having to run to the phone shop in their pyjamas. And, hey... you're welcome!

First Stop - Settings: Before you head out to the phone shop, check your phone settings. It is the brain of your phone. Make sure everything is all right in that department.

Battery out, Battery in (BoBi): After confirming that your settings are okay and your phone is still not working, still don't run to the phone shop. Sometimes all your phone needs is a good old BoBi . For issues like your phone not ringing, or even connection problems, you can simply take out the battery (and the SIM card for good measure) and fit it back in.

Go Google It: So BoBi didn't work. There is something else that usually does. Research. On the internet. There is nothing new under the sun. The problems you are facing with your phone, a million phone users have faced, and at least half of them have posted about the problems and solutions online. All you need do is sit back, relax and google it. If that doesn't work... then go to the phone shop... in your regular clothes.

More generally, these are things you ought to know:

Backup Your Data: Phones, like every piece of technology, are temperamental things. They have melt downs that they sometimes don't recover from and their melt downs cost you all your data - your pictures, contacts, videos, notes, reminders, etc. So, one up on your phone. Be prepared. Have the good sense to back up your data. Save your data to drop box, your email addresses, cloud, your computer, iTunes, iCloud, your SIM card, etc.

Warranty Doesn't Cover All: All phones apart from the iPhone, which has just a year's warranty, have a 2 year warranty. Batteries usually have just 6 month's warranty. What many of us don't know is that warranty doesn't cover most of the problems our phones encounter. Warranty only covers software issues and breakdown. So things like accidental damage e.g screens cracks, loss, theft,  water damage etc. are not covered. You might also want to think twice before paying those unauthorised corner phone shops to fix your phone. Such repairs (dramatically called 'jail-breaking') void your warranty. So, be warned.

Make Like a Kid and Play with the Phone: People wonder why children are so technologically advanced so that they figure out the workings of your phone before you say 'Put that down'. Well, it's because they play around with stuff a lot. If you want to be as good as those kids with your phone, make like them and play with the phone.

Those Darn Jargon: Have you wondered what those jargon that appear on your phone when you're using mobile data mean? Well, here goes:
***G - long form GPRS (General Packet Radio Service). This is the slowest form of internet connectivity. It is 2G (2nd Generation) technology and the download speed is on average 0.1Mb/s
***E - long form EDGE (Enhanced Data rates for GSM Evolution). This is faster than GPRS. It is 2.5G technology and the average download speed is 0.4Mb/s.
***3G -  This is, in turn faster than the previous two and, you guessed it, it is 3G technology. The average download speed for 3G is 2Mbs/s
***H and H+ - Long froms HSDPA (High Speed Downlink Packet Access) and (HSPA) High Speed Packet Access Plus. These operate on 3.5G and 3.75G respectively and average download speed on these are 7Mbs/s and 21Mbs/s, respectively.
***LTE/4G - (Long Term Evolution) is the fastest connection of all and the average download speed on this technology is 100Mbs/s.

I hope I've saved you at least one trip to the phone shop in your pajamas!

There is God o: The Painful Despair of a Country

Words cannot even begin to describe the full extent of the emotions I feel. I have tried and failed for weeks now to describe my feelings about the situation in Nigeria on this blog, and I have decided to just use words, inadequate as they may be, if only to somehow relieve this burden.

Where do I start?

As a Nigerian living abroad, with most of my family in Northern Nigeria, I read news about home with my heart in my mouth. It seems the good news I hear from home, mostly from family and friends, is overshadowed by the bad news I read and hear.

Even with the 'Kaduna-sharia' experience that I had while in Nigeria and family and friends assuring me that all is well, it is not difficult to see that Nigeria has descended into a state of anarchy where insurgents are calling the shots and everyone else is left in despair.

"The girls are still missing"
"Boko Haram has just killed some more people"
"Another bomb blast o, my dear"
"We need other countries to help us, Nigerian government is powerless"

My emotions at such news range from scared to sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless to incredulity.

On the latter emotion, surely I'm not the only one who thinks such news bother on ridiculous. It's been almost a month now and the girls abducted by the extremists have yet to be rescued, in a country with a functioning military and government? Haba! Just days after a bus-station bomb blast in Abuja, a car was blown up in the same state, just a few miles away from the first? Logic would dictate that security be beefed up to prevent a repetition. But, logic is probably as rare as common sense to the ones who are supposed to be in charge.

Hmmmmmm.

I am not going to start saying all that we are doing wrong as a country, you can just google that. I am going to say, though, that 'religiousness', ignorance, corruption, lack of foresight, and incompetent leadership are largely to blame. But, everyone knows what the problems are, it's the solution that is proving so difficult to implement.One of the simplest solutions in my estimation is for everyone to do their jobs! Leaders have power and authority(?) for a reason, they should use it, even seek out more brilliant minds if necessary!

Let's not expect God to step in when we are clearly not doing our part. That is why I was really impressed by the people who have done what the government could not do - mobilise support to rescue the abducted girls. '#BringBackOurGirls' has gone global and rallies are being staged by Nigerians, both home and abroad, who realise their government has failed to do its job of protecting its citizenry.

When I heard France, China,  USA and Britain were stepping in, I was not surprised. I mean, what else would one expect when one is failing at their job?

The despair of a people both home and abroad is loud and clear; in the now infamous words of the first lady, "Chai... there is God o".  I join in prayers, but believe we can do much more with the power, position, and authority we have.

What Can I Say? I'm Thankful!

I'm not sure if everyone else shares this sentiment, but, seriously, this year has flown by so swiftly. I mean just nine days left? Jeez! Any ways, like so many other people do at the end  (or, in my case, towards the end) of the year, I'm taking stock and discovering I have a lot to be thankful to God for.

Sometimes, when people think about being thankful, they expect that you have to be thankful only for something as ginormous as waking from a coma or receiving that long awaited miracle. Those are certainly things to be thankful for, but even things we take for granted or feel are 'basic' like waking up, good health and active senses are equally ginormous and things worthy to be thankful for. Just ask (or think about) those who don't have the luxury of any or all of these so called basic things.

Urging people to be thankful is definitely not news. There are so many sayings and clichés that enjoin you to give thanks, but it is easier said than done.

Frankly, there are times when I don't feel thankful, when my problems and things I long for but haven't received seem to overshadow the things I have; and being thankful is the farthest thing on my mind. There is also the matter of being thankful not guaranteeing that problems will suddenly disappear, that a flashing rainbow will instantly emerge in my bleak horizon (sue me, I am one of those people who expects immediate results and likes flashing rainbows, apparently!).

Even though thankfulness does not mass produce flashing rainbows, what it does is that it makes you aware of what you do have. It also shows appreciation to your maker. Again, thankfulness makes for a less stressful life, because it makes you live in the present and reminds you that you have survived so far without all those things you are pining for.

Like every other person on the planet, there is so much I wish I could accomplish that I didn't this year, but I would be a liar if I said there weren't so many other things I am thankful for.

Some of the things I'm thankful for are in this evidently non-exhaustive, off-the-top-of-my-head list.

*The ability to nurture my relationship with God in spite of the ups and downs of this year.

*The privilege to have  a great (can't stress this adjective enough) family and lovely friends.

*The ability to 'unfriend' and/or distance myself from negative people.

*The capacity to be truly happy without feeling guilty about it.

*The time and energy to binge on SpongeBob SquarePants and other shows and movies while balancing other activities in my life.

*The good nature to find humour in every situation and risk quizzical glances that make me laugh even more.

*The (still growing) acceptance of my awkwardness and 'interesting' personality.

*The retention of my ability to not care so much about what people think, especially when such opinions are not constructive.

*The wherewithal to eat, drink (even if it's just water and juice... not forgetting the fizzy drinks too), live under a non-leaking roof, stay in touch with friends, family, and those who defy categorisation.

*The patience to not hurl my bag at the bus driver when he drives too slow on those days when I'm running late, or the shop keeper when my lottery tickets are duds, or the technician at my school who vanished when I asked him to fix a technical problem with my university card, or those who are more concerned about what I can get them than my welfare, or... (yeah, I think that's enough exposure for now).

*The compassion to weep with those who are hurting and laugh (more raucously than) (with) those who are happy.

*The strength to shout at the screen and run commentary when I'm watching things on the TV or my laptop (this habit unfortunately also follows me to the cinema, but I'm still thankful).

*The wisdom to know that I have all that I need.

*The ability to kick my Facebook and BBM addiction. Yay!

*The ability to know I cannot please everybody all of the time and to be okay with this realisation.

*The privilege to sing to myself and risk glances (and the occasional compliments, I got one again today) from passersby.

*The fortitude to realise that problems that have knocked me off my feet and driven me to despair have thought me valuable lessons about life, especially how to handle difficulties.

*The opportunity to have this blog and write about random things that affects people's lives for good (a girl can dream *wink* *gap-toothed smile* [for some reason it is gap-toothed, though I am not gap-toothed!]).

I think I'd just stop here before I veer into doe-eyed looks. Just listing these abilities and privileges and capacities (and I need to stress that this is by no means exhaustive, so all of you thinking I have only 18 things to be thankful for... ) has shown just how much I have and how much I have to be thankful for this year.  So, maybe like me, you ought to write a list of things you're thankful for, no matter how minute or 'basic' they might seem. It might surprise you how many things you have to be thankful for.

Have thanks-filled remaining days of 2013 and 2014, in advance!