Ten Questions People Ask Me about My Singleness and My Mostly Sarcastic Answers

Many people  think single life should be one miserable run to finding the infamous 'One' or just Mr. or Miss Available. Well, it's not... at least for me. I mean, I'm not saying single life is always a delight, there are definitely days of hugging pillows and singing 'all by myself' in front of a muted laptop, I'm just saying there are a lot of joys, especially for people who don't make getting married their sole life goal. 

One of the lows of single life for me are the ridiculous questions people ask, believe it or not. Those questions just want to make you lower your big red-rimmed glasses and say 'are you for real?' and give a quick-witted sarcastic answer, but you resist the temptation and just say 'yes' or one of those God's-time-is-the-best type answers.

I love that people care about my marital status, but I prefer actions to words when it comes to showing care. You're worried about my single life? Add me to your prayer list and don't talk about it again or simply deposit 1,000,000 pounds or naira into my account and I'll find a date (if you don't have that amount, we can strike a bargain, anything from 1000 pounds or naira will do).

But, yeah, here are the questions I get and how I mostly sarcastically answer them in my mind.

1. Question: Why are you still single?

My Answer: Let's see... because I'm not married yet.

2. Question: Are you putting yourself out there?

My Answer: Yes, as a matter of fact. Every single day I dress in bright rainbow colours and parade the streets with a placard saying 'available'.

3. Question: Have you prayed about getting married?

My Answer: What a genius idea! As a Christian, I've never thought of that. Thanks.

4. Question: Are you giving off the right signals?

My Answer: Of course, there's a blazing neon sign in front of my house that has my name and the words AVAILABLE FOR COURTSHIP on it. By the way, my neighbours and I are also talking about approaching the government to have my street named after me with the word 'Available' placed somewhere between my name and 'street'.

5. Question:  (At a wedding) So, are you going to be next?

My Answer: Let me get your name real quick... I'll just add you to the top of the list of people I'll inform as soon as the date is decided.

6. Question: Is he the one? (of any male human in a picture with me)

My Answer: Yep, him and the other million and one men I've ever taken a picture with.

7. Question: Aren't you worried about not having children?

My Answer: Well, I wasn't, until now.

8. Question: You must be worried sick about being single?

My Answer: Ah yes, because that's the only issue in my life right now... I'm not seeking financial bliss, I'm not trying to get an education, I'm not trying to focus on my spiritual life, I'm not trying to stay healthy, I'm not trying to save the children from whatever they need saving from.

9. Question: All your friends are getting married, you must be miserable?

My Answer: Oh, as miserable as miserable can be. Yeah, that's why I've not left my room these five years.

10. Question: You know you're not getting any younger?

My Answer: Really? Is that so? I'd always thought I was Benjamin Button. Dang!

When they're not stating the obvious, it's difficult for some people to believe that I'm relatively happy and that I will inform them as soon as the date is set, believe me I will. And when I post a picture with 'the One', I'll make sure to state that he's indeed the one we've been waiting for. Until then, save the questions and invest in my life. My account details? ;)