Ten Questions People Ask Me about My Singleness and My Mostly Sarcastic Answers

Many people  think single life should be one miserable run to finding the infamous 'One' or just Mr. or Miss Available. Well, it's not... at least for me. I mean, I'm not saying single life is always a delight, there are definitely days of hugging pillows and singing 'all by myself' in front of a muted laptop, I'm just saying there are a lot of joys, especially for people who don't make getting married their sole life goal. 

One of the lows of single life for me are the ridiculous questions people ask, believe it or not. Those questions just want to make you lower your big red-rimmed glasses and say 'are you for real?' and give a quick-witted sarcastic answer, but you resist the temptation and just say 'yes' or one of those God's-time-is-the-best type answers.

I love that people care about my marital status, but I prefer actions to words when it comes to showing care. You're worried about my single life? Add me to your prayer list and don't talk about it again or simply deposit 1,000,000 pounds or naira into my account and I'll find a date (if you don't have that amount, we can strike a bargain, anything from 1000 pounds or naira will do).

But, yeah, here are the questions I get and how I mostly sarcastically answer them in my mind.

1. Question: Why are you still single?

My Answer: Let's see... because I'm not married yet.

2. Question: Are you putting yourself out there?

My Answer: Yes, as a matter of fact. Every single day I dress in bright rainbow colours and parade the streets with a placard saying 'available'.

3. Question: Have you prayed about getting married?

My Answer: What a genius idea! As a Christian, I've never thought of that. Thanks.

4. Question: Are you giving off the right signals?

My Answer: Of course, there's a blazing neon sign in front of my house that has my name and the words AVAILABLE FOR COURTSHIP on it. By the way, my neighbours and I are also talking about approaching the government to have my street named after me with the word 'Available' placed somewhere between my name and 'street'.

5. Question:  (At a wedding) So, are you going to be next?

My Answer: Let me get your name real quick... I'll just add you to the top of the list of people I'll inform as soon as the date is decided.

6. Question: Is he the one? (of any male human in a picture with me)

My Answer: Yep, him and the other million and one men I've ever taken a picture with.

7. Question: Aren't you worried about not having children?

My Answer: Well, I wasn't, until now.

8. Question: You must be worried sick about being single?

My Answer: Ah yes, because that's the only issue in my life right now... I'm not seeking financial bliss, I'm not trying to get an education, I'm not trying to focus on my spiritual life, I'm not trying to stay healthy, I'm not trying to save the children from whatever they need saving from.

9. Question: All your friends are getting married, you must be miserable?

My Answer: Oh, as miserable as miserable can be. Yeah, that's why I've not left my room these five years.

10. Question: You know you're not getting any younger?

My Answer: Really? Is that so? I'd always thought I was Benjamin Button. Dang!

When they're not stating the obvious, it's difficult for some people to believe that I'm relatively happy and that I will inform them as soon as the date is set, believe me I will. And when I post a picture with 'the One', I'll make sure to state that he's indeed the one we've been waiting for. Until then, save the questions and invest in my life. My account details? ;)

Eight Kinds of Friends You Should Have

I DO NOT really have seven hundred and something 'friends' (don't believe Facebook), but the few I have more than make up for the hypothetical friendship vacuum in my life (not to brag or anything).  

That might just be because I have all the  kinds of friends everyone should have. Here is a definitive (yeah, take my word for it) list of the kinds of friends you should have, people:

1. The one with whom you can be immature silly, no matter how old you get.

2. The one who never stops loving and contacting you even when you unfairly cut them off.

3. The one who brings you back down to earth.

4. The one who knows how to drag the smile out of you when you're just not in the mood.

5. The one who  stays sturdy  for you when things fall apart in your life (one too many times).

6. The one who always bails you out, sometimes also known as 'dad!' *wink*

7. The one who understands your idiosyncrasies and is totally fine with them.

8. The one who knows you so well they know when you're bullshitting not being honest.

Even as I write this I realise that some of my friends are all of these kinds in one, I only hope I'm at least one of these kinds of friends for them.

So,  thanks for putting up with me guys and dad... oh, and mum too :)

Seven Things Every Phone Owner Should Know

So, you notice ten missed calls on your phone even though it's right beside you. "Oh my God! It didn't ring", you think, and you can't even ring the number back because it is not registered. What else does one expect from the Secret... never mind. You proceed to check the volume settings which show your phone should have rung loud and clear and even vibrated, you checked it this morning anyway because you were expecting THAT call... only it hadn't rung and you are beginning to panic. Your head is throbbing, you're beginning to sweat. Your palms are sweaty. Next stop - phone shop, in your SpongeBob pyjamas... Sounds familiar?

Not to brag or anything, but I have some phone expertise. Stuff I picked up from my stint at a renowned phone shop. In my time there, I have discovered some DIY stuff that anyone can do and know to avoid having to run to the phone shop in their pyjamas. And, hey... you're welcome!

First Stop - Settings: Before you head out to the phone shop, check your phone settings. It is the brain of your phone. Make sure everything is all right in that department.

Battery out, Battery in (BoBi): After confirming that your settings are okay and your phone is still not working, still don't run to the phone shop. Sometimes all your phone needs is a good old BoBi . For issues like your phone not ringing, or even connection problems, you can simply take out the battery (and the SIM card for good measure) and fit it back in.

Go Google It: So BoBi didn't work. There is something else that usually does. Research. On the internet. There is nothing new under the sun. The problems you are facing with your phone, a million phone users have faced, and at least half of them have posted about the problems and solutions online. All you need do is sit back, relax and google it. If that doesn't work... then go to the phone shop... in your regular clothes.

More generally, these are things you ought to know:

Backup Your Data: Phones, like every piece of technology, are temperamental things. They have melt downs that they sometimes don't recover from and their melt downs cost you all your data - your pictures, contacts, videos, notes, reminders, etc. So, one up on your phone. Be prepared. Have the good sense to back up your data. Save your data to drop box, your email addresses, cloud, your computer, iTunes, iCloud, your SIM card, etc.

Warranty Doesn't Cover All: All phones apart from the iPhone, which has just a year's warranty, have a 2 year warranty. Batteries usually have just 6 month's warranty. What many of us don't know is that warranty doesn't cover most of the problems our phones encounter. Warranty only covers software issues and breakdown. So things like accidental damage e.g screens cracks, loss, theft,  water damage etc. are not covered. You might also want to think twice before paying those unauthorised corner phone shops to fix your phone. Such repairs (dramatically called 'jail-breaking') void your warranty. So, be warned.

Make Like a Kid and Play with the Phone: People wonder why children are so technologically advanced so that they figure out the workings of your phone before you say 'Put that down'. Well, it's because they play around with stuff a lot. If you want to be as good as those kids with your phone, make like them and play with the phone.

Those Darn Jargon: Have you wondered what those jargon that appear on your phone when you're using mobile data mean? Well, here goes:
***G - long form GPRS (General Packet Radio Service). This is the slowest form of internet connectivity. It is 2G (2nd Generation) technology and the download speed is on average 0.1Mb/s
***E - long form EDGE (Enhanced Data rates for GSM Evolution). This is faster than GPRS. It is 2.5G technology and the average download speed is 0.4Mb/s.
***3G -  This is, in turn faster than the previous two and, you guessed it, it is 3G technology. The average download speed for 3G is 2Mbs/s
***H and H+ - Long froms HSDPA (High Speed Downlink Packet Access) and (HSPA) High Speed Packet Access Plus. These operate on 3.5G and 3.75G respectively and average download speed on these are 7Mbs/s and 21Mbs/s, respectively.
***LTE/4G - (Long Term Evolution) is the fastest connection of all and the average download speed on this technology is 100Mbs/s.

I hope I've saved you at least one trip to the phone shop in your pajamas!

There is God o: The Painful Despair of a Country

Words cannot even begin to describe the full extent of the emotions I feel. I have tried and failed for weeks now to describe my feelings about the situation in Nigeria on this blog, and I have decided to just use words, inadequate as they may be, if only to somehow relieve this burden.

Where do I start?

As a Nigerian living abroad, with most of my family in Northern Nigeria, I read news about home with my heart in my mouth. It seems the good news I hear from home, mostly from family and friends, is overshadowed by the bad news I read and hear.

Even with the 'Kaduna-sharia' experience that I had while in Nigeria and family and friends assuring me that all is well, it is not difficult to see that Nigeria has descended into a state of anarchy where insurgents are calling the shots and everyone else is left in despair.

"The girls are still missing"
"Boko Haram has just killed some more people"
"Another bomb blast o, my dear"
"We need other countries to help us, Nigerian government is powerless"

My emotions at such news range from scared to sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless to incredulity.

On the latter emotion, surely I'm not the only one who thinks such news bother on ridiculous. It's been almost a month now and the girls abducted by the extremists have yet to be rescued, in a country with a functioning military and government? Haba! Just days after a bus-station bomb blast in Abuja, a car was blown up in the same state, just a few miles away from the first? Logic would dictate that security be beefed up to prevent a repetition. But, logic is probably as rare as common sense to the ones who are supposed to be in charge.

Hmmmmmm.

I am not going to start saying all that we are doing wrong as a country, you can just google that. I am going to say, though, that 'religiousness', ignorance, corruption, lack of foresight, and incompetent leadership are largely to blame. But, everyone knows what the problems are, it's the solution that is proving so difficult to implement.One of the simplest solutions in my estimation is for everyone to do their jobs! Leaders have power and authority(?) for a reason, they should use it, even seek out more brilliant minds if necessary!

Let's not expect God to step in when we are clearly not doing our part. That is why I was really impressed by the people who have done what the government could not do - mobilise support to rescue the abducted girls. '#BringBackOurGirls' has gone global and rallies are being staged by Nigerians, both home and abroad, who realise their government has failed to do its job of protecting its citizenry.

When I heard France, China,  USA and Britain were stepping in, I was not surprised. I mean, what else would one expect when one is failing at their job?

The despair of a people both home and abroad is loud and clear; in the now infamous words of the first lady, "Chai... there is God o".  I join in prayers, but believe we can do much more with the power, position, and authority we have.